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christian counseling today
Vol. 20 no. 2
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Diane Langberg , PH.D.
looking inward
P
arenting can be an adventure
full of exquisite joy and run
the gambit all the way to fear,
grief and great sorrow. I do not
think we realize the great vulnerability
parenting brings on us until our chil-
dren arrive, as the impact of such tiny
lives is quite profound. It also never goes
away no matter how big they get or how
far away they end up. We are impacted
by their love, joys, successes and accom-
plishments. We are equally susceptible
to their hurts, sorrows, limitations and
failures. The only protection from such
vulnerabilities is the hardness of the
heart for a failure to love.
Our vulnerability and the resulting
effect of our children’s lives lead to
something few ever mention—core
principle I believe is one of the integral
parts of parenting. We meet these tiny
people and feel overwhelmed at all that
is required of us. Their basic care rests
on our shoulders as they can do nothing
for themselves. We must teach and train
and shape these little lives. They are
stunningly vulnerable and most adults
have some sense of how easily we could
hurt them. We want them to grow up
strong and healthy and wise. We may
feel utterly inadequate for the task and
are keenly aware of all they will require
from milk to education to ethical and
spiritual training. We are to be there for
them. What is less readily seen, however,
is that they are also there for us. We
are their training ground and they
are ours. We shape them; they shape
us. Both sides actually go to “school”
simultaneously.
Many years ago, when my firstborn
was still quite small, he did something
naughty (I no longer remember what
it was) that required a time out. I was
about six months pregnant. I took him
by the hand and led him upstairs to the
chair we used. He cried for a bit and
then I spoke with him and went back
down to the dinner table. He did it
again… and again. On my third or so
trip down the stairs, I sat down on the
landing and said out loud to myself,
“Who in the world is actually getting
disciplined here?” The light went on.
I suddenly realized I was being trained
by my Heavenly Father just as much
as my son was being trained by his
earthly mother. He was learning to obey
his mommy. I was learning to teach
him over and over with patience and a
gentle, but firm, voice (not my natural
inclination). If I chose not to bow to the
training of my Father, then the training
of my son would be out of balance.
My son, with all his gifts and precious
ways… as well as his struggles, had been
sent to me for parenting, teaching and
loving. He had also been sent to me so
I might learn more of the ways of my
Father in heaven and be shaped more
into His likeness. How like God to take
what we quickly see as a one-way street
and make it into a two-way experience!
The revelation changed the dialogue
in my head—from thinking, “What
does my son need to do or learn or be?”
to “Father, how would You have me
respond? What is the best for my son
from Your perspective?” Fortunately,
for both of my sons, it made a signifi-
cant difference in the responses of their
mother over the years.
Such thinking is quite unlike our
natural responses. We get angry because
of what our children did or did not do;
we are impatient when they do not/
will not learn; we discipline out of our
own emotions rather than out of the
nature of Christ, and we forget their
littleness… their limitations and vulner-
ability. We want them to do the right
thing, the convenient thing, mostly
because it will make our lives easier or
smoother. We are self-serving in that
way, rather than being a servant.
Therapy is, of course, quite similar.
Broken, hurting, angry, thrashing,
vulnerable people come to us for coun-
seling. We are to be there for them.
We are to reflect, empathize, suggest,
question and teach so that they might
learn and grow and find comfort. Yet
once again, our Father is after us and
uses their anger, repetitive behaviors
or failures, anxiety, irrationality, and
deep wounds to call us to bow so that
He might shape us into His image no
matter what gets thrown at us. Both
parenting and therapy invite us to learn
the ways of our incarnational God, who
put on human flesh and showed us how
to walk in love and truth—not only
influencing and shaping those around
us, but also by being shaped so that in
our flesh we carry the fragrance and
likeness of Christ into those relation-
ships.
✠
Diane Langberg,
Ph.D.,
chairs AACC’s
Executive Board and is
a licensed psychologist
with Diane Langberg &
Associates in Jenkintown,
Pennsylvania. She is also the author of
Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse
and
On
the Threshold of Hope.
And a Little Child Shall Lead Them
My son… had been sent to me for parenting, teaching
and loving. He had also been sent to me so I might
learn more of the ways of my Father in heaven and
be shaped more into His likeness.
