Page 12 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

12 extraordinary women Volume 5 I ssue 2

HEIDI : Looking back, I can’t believe we actually made it. It seemed like from the very start there were people trying to destroy our marriage. Some of the leaders in Michael’s life were telling him that I wasn’t the right person for him. Although we were seeking wise counsel from our church leadership; unfortunately, we were getting some pretty poor advice. That, coupled with all the travel Michael had to do with the singing group, put a terrible strain on our marriage.

MICHAEL: Yes, there was one period of six months where we barely got to see one another.

HEIDI : Needless to say, that was a huge challenge for us as newlyweds, especially since Michael was a young Christian. There were also things that happened foundationally in our marriage early on—hurtful words—that also set the tone for problems down the road. And since we never worked on those initial cracks in the foundation of our marriage in the beginning, nothing was resolved and the problems only got worse the longer we were married.

JULIE: Michael, you’ve discussed the challenges in your past with alcohol, drugs and sexual sin. Was it difficult to tell Heidi about your struggles?

MICHAEL: I remember looking at pornographic maga-zines, and later videos, from as early as six-years-old. When I was in high school, my dad actually encouraged me to be sexually active. So I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that I began acting out some of those things in high school and college. I was definitely living a sexually immoral life. Once I got saved and married Heidi, there was still a lot of secrecy because although she knew about the drugs and alcohol, I wasn’t completely honest with her about the seriousness of my sexual desires. She would ask me if I struggled with looking at, and thinking about, other women, but I would play it off because I listened to what other guys told me: “She doesn’t need to know that… you don’t need to tell her everything.”

JULIE: Do you think the issues you struggled with were linked to the lifestyle you were accustomed to growing up?

MICHAEL: Definitely… at least to some degree.

HEIDI : Ultimately, I think it was that emptiness he had inside from not living for Christ. He didn’t understand and

was seeking to fill a longing, so he just threw himself into it… whatever it was. It was simply a matter of him loving sin so much that he made it a priority without giving it much thought.

JULIE: This sin had to be very painful.

HEIDI : His struggles were sporadic and came in waves. They would usually only last for short periods of time, but it still hurt just as much. It was extremely painful for both of us. There were times when he would get angry, probably because of the torment and agony of it all. Visual adultery is something I think a lot of men struggle with at one time or another, and it didn’t help that Michael was a young Christian surrounded by men who gave him horrible advice in his greatest time of need.

JULIE: What kind of advice can you offer other couples who may be struggling with some of these same issues?

MICHAEL: Well, the first thing is to get involved in a true, Bible-believing church. Being in a solid church where the truth of God’s Word is being taught is extremely important. I got involved in a small men’s fellowship group that was applying the Word and calling each other out to be men of God. I began to be convicted and, for the first time, finally realized that I was committing mental adultery by thinking of other women while being married to Heidi. For me, that was the first step to my recovery process.

HEIDI : Yes, it was in 1996. I’ll never forget it. One morning he just opened up to me—I think he had a bad dream the night before. We were attending a church that was preaching the truth and Michael really began to feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He told me that he struggled in his mind with fantasies. Coming from a very sheltered background, I was extremely naive about this kind of thing, so when he shared his struggles with me, I just absolutely came unglued. I didn’t understand it! I was devastated—I thought some-thing was wrong with me… that I was a failure. He wouldn’t struggle with this unless I wasn’t doing something right. The hurtful advice that Michael had been given early in our marriage—that I wasn’t good enough, or woman enough, for him—didn’t help.

At that point, I really needed to talk to someone, so I literally got in my car and drove to our church. Our pastor was wonderful and we had a very good relationship

Once I got saved and married Heidi, there was still a lot of secrecy because although she knew about the drugs and alcohol, I wasn’t completely honest with her about the seriousness of my sexual desires.

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