Page 19 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

Furthermore, if the real issue is love or sex addiction, no amount of either will satisfy an addict. Let us be clear, the answer to infidelity of all kinds is not to become more sexual.

n Betrayed spouses are frequently advised to leave because they are told there is no hope for change. This is untrue and unbiblical.

n Don’t believe the lie that the trauma of infidelity will emotionally “scar” the betrayed spouse forever. The truth is that what hurts us the most will make us stronger.

Some practical tips:

n Get help. Find professionals who have experience addressing these issues. Couples who survive and thrive will get help in three equal pieces: help for the husband, help for the wife, and help for the marriage.

n Take responsibility for your own behaviors (not blaming a spouse for your sinful choices). Couples who flourish will become companions in how they both have failed the relationship.

n Look for the source of pain that drives you to seek false substitutes for the desires of the heart. The source of this pain is usually based in experiences that precede the marriage.

n Find a safe community to learn skills of emotional and spiritual intimacy—practice acknowledging your feel-ings, talking about your thoughts, asking for your needs, learning how to resolve conflict, and understanding how you cope and pull away from relationships when you are struggling.

n Explore the beliefs you carry about yourself, others and the world… and how they impact you when seeking to interact with others. Your past does influence who you are today, so it is important to truly know yourself in order to be able to change the things that aren’t serving you well in relationships. Often, we want to work on changing others rather than looking at ourselves… however, we must “take the plank out of our own eyes” first. n The spouse who has betrayed the other will need to do a full disclosure of all past and present sinful behaviors, including lies and cover-ups—both spouses will need to become truth-tellers. Research supports that performing full disclosure is the most important factor in marriages that survive infidelity.

n Grow the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your relationship so that sexual closeness will become the expression of that connectedness—not the other way around. Too many couples are trying to use sexuality as a means to create intimacy. No amount of sex without emotional and spiritual intimacy will ever satisfy the “thirst” of a committed marriage.

n Seek accountability and spiritual guidance and do not try to walk this journey alone. Pride and isolation are great destroyers of God’s desire to transform us. Learning to be vulnerable with others and living authentically are critical to healing shame.

n There is purpose in the pain of infidelity and/or addic-tion… God uses all of our pain.

n Post-traumatic Growth (PTG) is the clinical word for growth and transformation following traumatic life events. There is no doubt that infidelity and addiction cause great sorrow and anguish to individuals and marriages. We know, both personally and professionally, that we can “Count it all joy when we experience various trials” (James 1:2). This “testing” may produce a steadfast, one-flesh union. Our article in Christian Counseling Today magazine (Vol. 18, No. 4) may also be helpful.

Mark R. Laaser, M.Div., Ph.D., BPCCC, and Debbie W. Laaser, M.A., LAMFT, are both counselors in their own company, Faithful and True, based in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. They have both been longtime friends of, and contributors to, AACC. Visit their Web site at faithfulandtrue.com, where you can find all of their books, CDs, DVDs, and articles (including the one on Full Disclosure). Mark, and often Debbie, also hosts a podcast radio show called, “The Men of Valor” program.