Page 22 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

into God’s grace and ability to bring healing and restoration to relation-ships devastated by pornography and other forms of sexual addiction. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. It’s normal to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. Don’t accept the cultural lies that “all men look at porn” or “it’s not like he’s really cheating.” Viewing pornography and engaging in other forms of Internet-based sexual behavior are violations of God’s design for healthy sexuality. Most wives feel that “virtual” infidelity repre-sents deep disloyalty to a couple’s marriage vows. Resist the temptation to ignore this problem or deny its significance. Both options are rooted in a desire to avoid the pain of this betrayal, but neither one leads to long-term healing.

Educate yourself about pornography’s impact on marital sexuality and intimacy. Many men experience certain kinds of sexual dysfunction as a result of frequently viewing pornography. They have trained their brains and bodies to respond to rapid-fire visual stimuli and, as a result, sexual functioning is impaired without that external input. They may be unable to be aroused or enjoy sexual release without the adrenaline-fueled hit of pornography. Men often come to prefer the fantasy-driven experience of pornog-raphy to real-life marital sexual expression. It’s not unusual for a man hooked on pornography to avoid sexual activity with his wife.

Understand that these sexual problems are not about you. No flesh-and-blood female can compare to the computer-manipulated bodies of pornographic models. Don’t torture yourself by making comparisons with the images your husband has viewed. Resist the urge to inter-rogate him about the pictures he favors or the activities in which the porn “stars” engage. The solution isn’t for you and your husband to partic-ipate in these pornographic antics together. Refuse to accept blame from your husband that his choices are because you’re lacking physically or sexually in some way.

Reject, too, the ridiculous advice to have more sex with your mate as a way to help him manage his “lust” problem. Sadly, Christians who advocate this solution are well-meaning, but misinformed. A man’s problem with lust is just that: his problem . You didn’t cause this issue and it’s not your job to help him overcome it. The responsibility is squarely his to admit, address and heal his habit with pornography. Especially if your husband has progressed to the level of sexual addiction, an attempt to solve the problem of sexual excess with more sex is futile for him and harmful to you. An addict always wants more of his drug of choice, and more sex only raises his tolerance for the neurochemical high produced by sexual activity, which further captures him in a never-ending cycle of escalation.

Becoming more sexual with a pornography addict is also demeaning and devaluing as it allows men who are consumed with fantasy to use women instead of being emotionally and sexually present. When you’re honest with your-self, aren’t you aware of this reality? Trust your gut and don’t settle for anything less than genu-inely intimate sex.