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Viewing pornography isn’t just about lust; the sexual behavior is a symptom of deeper issues your husband must address. Beneath the acting out behavior is a desperate, misguided search for love, connection, touch, affirmation and approval, which are all part of God’s plan for genuine intimacy. Pornography, sex or “love” (relationship) addic-tion is fueled by the inability to recognize, create and sustain authentic connection. When those foundations are lacking, sex (or an intense relationship) is a culturally favored (though ultimately ineffective) substitute.

Sadly, many adults—both men and women—didn’t have a role model for healthy relationships. Beginning in infancy, an alarming number of people didn’t experience adequate bonding with their parents or caregivers, which is a problem known as deficits in attachment . With this core “hole in the soul,” men are often drawn to the allure of pornography, where the airbrushed, paid performer is constantly available and seems to desire a personal connection.

Genuine intimacy requires honesty and vulnerability. It is built on being in touch with your emotions and sharing them freely with another person. Intimacy also requires unveiling your “shadow side” of fears, insecurities and fail-ures—it is knowing and being fully known. Most people who regularly view pornography harbor chronically low self-esteem and fear others will judge, or even leave, them if their secret habit is revealed. They are reluctant to ask for help and may try to appear perfect to avoid scrutiny.

counselor who specializes in this area. Being part of a 12-step support group or similar faith-based organization is impor-tant in developing accountability and community. At the same time, seek help for yourself regardless of what path your husband chooses. A counselor and support group can offer guidance as you set boundaries to keep your home free from pornography, detach from your husband’s struggle, resist assuming responsibility for fixing the problem, and explore any potential attachment deficits or intimacy issues of your own. Above all, cultivate your relationship with God and trust Him with this painful situation.

If you, rather than your husband, are the one battling pornography, don’t be discouraged that this article identifies the struggler as the husband and not the wife. Be assured that you are not alone—at least one-third of adult Web site visitors are female… and Christian women are not immune. Sadly, the stigma keeps many women from admitting they have an issue with pornography. Don’t be one of them. Take the courageous step to get help today. See the Bethesda Workshops Web site for specific resources for female sex and love addicts. ]

Marnie C. Ferree, M.A., LMFT, directs Bethesda Workshops in Nashville, which is an intensive program for recovery from sexual addiction (see bethesdaworkshops.org). She is the author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction (Intervarsity Press), a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a certified sex addiction therapist.