Page 25 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

There are few things that cause as much devastation and heartache as pornography and infidelity. Yet, your marriage doesn’t have to end. The good news is that a full recovery is possible. Two hearts can be restored if a couple wholeheart-edly commits to the journey. However, there are no simple “do these five steps” or “one size fits all” plans to recover when trust has been shattered. Every individual is different and every relationship is unique. So, instead of promising success if you do these steps or follow this plan, we want to focus on the essential relationships that must be attended to during the recovery process.

Let’s start at the beginning. We believe that the Greatest Commandment is the right foundation to rebuild trust: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself” (paraphrase of Mark 12:30-31). Here, we find the three most important relationships that must be attended to during the recovery process—your relationship with God, yourself and your spouse. We also want to add one, critical relationship: your marriage. Each of these four relationships must be dealt with, cared for and strengthened.

The real problem with pornography or infidelity is what it does to your heart. “When Pharaoh saw that the rain and hail and thunder had stopped, he sinned again: He and his officials hardened their hearts” (Exodus 9:34). Sin hardens your heart and disconnects you from God… and a hardened heart inhibits your ability to hear and understand the Lord. A hard heart keeps you from recognizing the Holy Spirit’s voice and understanding what He is saying. Author, Doug Apple, explains, “When your heart is hard, it is not open to God. You do not want to listen to God. You don’t want to hear His word.

You don’t want to know about His plan or His design. And you certainly don’t want to listen to any correction. A hard heart towards God separates us from God. It separates us from His wisdom, which allows us to become ignorant. It separates us from His light, which puts us in darkness.” 1 The good news is that the Lord wants to heal your heart. “Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart…. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God...” (Joel 2:12-13). To rend some-thing is to tear or split it apart into pieces. In this verse, instead of our clothes, we are being told to tear our hearts in order that we might return to the Lord. Your hardened heart must be cracked open to allow God’s healing love to penetrate. The opportunity is to rend open your heart so the Lord can perform a miracle. He makes this promise: “I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:25-26). A softened, humbled heart is the beginning of the healing journey and a heart of flesh creates an opportunity for self-reflection and needed change.

The Greatest Commandment says that we are to love God and others “as” we love ourselves. Thus, caring for you starts with taking 100% responsibility for the pornography or affair. Instead of sidestepping or dodging responsibility or focusing on what your spouse did or didn’t do… own it. All of it! This allows you to then focus on gaining awareness. How did the porn addiction or affair happen? What were the triggers, weaknesses, or personal issues that led to your poor choices? What made you ignore the warning signs of sexual attraction or emotional vulnerability to another