Page 26 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

26 extraordinary women Volume 5 I ssue 2

person? Was it job stress, relational insecurities, the atten-tion from another person, feeling lonely and disconnected from a spouse, or having poor boundaries? Insight, however, will only happen if you maintain an attitude of curiosity. If you continue to judge yourself or beat yourself up, this will keep you from acquiring the needed understanding. Shame will keep your heart closed. You are out to acquire as much information as possible about your situation—look for the series of poor choices and decisions that led to your behavior.

Insight is great, but awareness without behavior change will lead to frustration. Actions speak louder than words. It is like 1 John 3:18 says, “Let us not love with mere words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” Some of the “actions” that you might consider: getting an Internet safeguard, avoiding close friendships with the opposite sex, keeping your computer in open areas, not being flirtatious, avoiding stays in hotels that offer pay-per-view, not being alone with someone who has shown personal interest in you, and asking a close friend to be your accountability partner.

Your Relationship with Your Spouse

Caring for your spouse begins with empathy. Sympathy is when you feel bad “for” someone. Empathy is when you feel

bad “with” the person. You must not only acknowledge the deep pain you caused, but also allow your heart to feel the other person’s hurt. Imagine what it would be like to feel betrayed, deceived, humiliated, devalued or violated. Your spouse will never get beyond what has happened until he or she knows that you sincerely care and realize the gravity of what you have done. Only when you have deeply empathized with your spouse can you truly apologize. We like Roger Barrier’s great reminder: “It’s difficult to forgive 10 gallons worth of hurt when your spouse is only asking for a pint of forgive-ness.” True brokenness in a marriage is the result of a deep understanding of the pain you’ve caused and a willingness to do everything possible to deal with the fallout. Now you are ready to seek forgiveness.

Another important aspect of rebuilding trust is transpar-ency. Allow full access to cell phone records and texts, credit card receipts, pockets and purses, e-mail accounts, social media sites, computer search engine history, etc. Talk openly and answer all questions honestly. Continued deceit, half-truths and secretive behaviors will completely undermine the recovery process.

Your Relationship with Your Marriage

The goal here is not to simply “survive” or just stay married.

Re-claiming a healthy marriage may seem beyond your reach, but it can be rebuilt into one that thrills you both if each spouse is committed to the journey.