Page 28 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

The typical reaction to a spouse’s revelation of pornog-raphy use, or any type of sexual addiction, is actually a grief response. All of a sudden, the person you thought you were married to, the marriage and trust you believed you had built, and the future based on these things are quickly dissolved, leaving behind a grief that must be coped with as best as possible. An added obstacle in this situation is that unlike grieving the death of a loved one, which involves a sense of finality with its own set of unique challenges, all these parts of your life (your spouse, marriage and future) still exist. Thus, the pain of rebuilding, coupled with the constant reminder of the hurt, often creates a pronounced sense of loss that leads many women through a variety of emotional responses.

When dealing with this loss, there are three emotional responses that span the worlds of grief and the revelation of pornography use: denial, depression and anger (Kubler-Ross, 1969). While many of these responses are usually viewed in a negative light, they actually can each serve a healthy purpose in the grieving process. For instance, denial is actu-ally an important coping skill that allows people to make it through the initial shock and pain of the revelation in order to survive and figure out what they are going to do. It serves

as a buffer until the person can find a safe space—such as the confidence of a trusted friend or quiet time with the Lord—to experience the disappointment and pain of the loss. However, denial can become unhealthy when it is used to persistently avoid, rather than confront, the pain.

When someone allows the denial to fade, it often gives way to emotional despair or sorrow that we call depression. This is not a clinical depression, but a culmination of the deep hurt experienced by betrayal, the helplessness of feeling out of control, and the fear of not knowing where to go from here. This is when the tears flow and the reality of the situa-tion hits. For those in this situation, it is important to allow yourself time to cry and hurt before the Lord… just as David did in the Psalms. As painful as this response is, it allows for a cleansing known as catharsis that serves as the foundation to begin healing. Similar to denial, this depression becomes unhealthy if those who are hurting get “stuck” or choose to stay depressed instead of working toward hope and healing once they have experienced the pain.

Allowing yourself to experience the hurt and fear of the depression can eventually lead to a new emotion: anger. Surprisingly, anger can be a motivating, inspiring response where feelings of injustice and hurt are utilized to move forward in confronting the pain. This type of healthy anger

“How could he do this to me?” This is often the question women ask as they sit before us with their husbands sharing a very painful secret… pornography. According to Focus on the Family, more than 45% of adults admit to problems with pornography in their homes (Coughlin, 2009). What does that mean for those wives affected?