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gives us a sense that we have regained some of the lost control and can work together against the wrongs that have been committed. When used properly, it can lead to inner growth as we focus on forgiving and reconciling our broken hearts and relationships with the Lord. However, when used

improperly, this anger can lead to the misconception that we should punish those who hurt us, resulting in isola-tion instead of reconciliation. Sadly, the main emotional response we observe destroying women and their families today is unidentified, unresolved anger that has accumu-lated since the initial revelation. While the intent is to use the anger for good, it can become a prison for women and their families if not managed properly.

Fortunately, whether just finding out your spouse is dealing with pornog-raphy use or experiencing the lasting effects mentioned above, there are solid, biblical techniques that can lead to healing and restoration for you and your marriage. First, know it is okay to have this anger. There are a number of examples of righteous anger given in Scripture. For example, God was angry with Solomon for turning away from the Lord (1 Kings 11:9). This anger was justified—and so is yours—but now it is a matter of working through that

anger in a healthy way. We learn in Ephesians 4:26 that we can be angry, but should not sin in that anger.

Second, know that you can be proactive about confronting and dealing with anger. Historically, women typically suppress anger (Davila, 1999). This “stuffing” is part of the reason why it is not uncommon for women to contact us two or three years after the revelation because their initial anger has since turned into bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. If this describes you, it is never too late to start working through your emotions; however, being proactive about confronting your anger sooner, rather than later, will spare both you and your family from these negative consequences.

Third, know it is okay to be assertive, but not aggressive. The opposite of stuffing, or being passive, is being aggressive. Aggressiveness comes in many forms—from verbal attacks to violence toward your spouse. This lashing out is unhealthy and does not contribute to the healing of the heart or the marriage… and it is never okay. Here are four steps to being assertive:

n Step 4: Tell your husband what you need from him. Fourth, know forgiveness and reconciliation are possible. Oftentimes, we think forgiveness is a one-time feeling when, in reality, it is both a process and a choice . For many women in this situation, it is a daily commitment. A great way to remember the forgiveness process is with the 3 R’s (Harvey, Personal Communication, 2011).