Page 36 - EW Magazine 5-2 FINAL

QUESTION TO EW: I caught my husband watching porn on the family computer about three months ago. As apologetic and embarrassed as he said he was, and as mad as I was, I believed him when he promised me it would never happen again. Although I was hurt and humiliated, I decided forgiveness would be the best solu-tion. One of my biggest concerns was the fact that he was looking at pornography on the same computer that our kids (10 and 12-years-old) use on a daily basis. The thought of them seeing some-thing they shouldn’t terrified me! Even though I wanted to trust my husband that he would never do it again, I recently decided to check the computer myself just to make sure. Unfortunately, I was saddened to see that he is still viewing this “trash.” I’m truly sick over it and know he needs help, but it’s such

an embarrassing situation—for him and me—that I am hesitant to tell our pastor or seek out a counselor. My fear is that word will get out and my children will suffer as a result. I’m definitely afraid for our marriage but just don’t know what to do.

Your husband’s struggle with pornography is unfortunately a problem that is becoming more and more common. I am sure your discovery and his embarrassment led to his well-intended promise. He may have believed he could keep that promise. It is likely that his viewing of pornography has become habitual and may even be something that has gone on for many years. Many men say they were introduced to it when they were about 10 or 12. Human beings simply do not have the capacity to stop a long

time practice just because they got caught, even if they want to. Think about how hard it is to change eating habits! Your discovery is a gift from God (as odd as that sounds) and an invitation to your husband to look at what he is doing, understand what drives it, and have the humility to seek help. He is not looking at pornography because of some failure in you; it is about something down inside of him. You will need to call him into light and truth. If he will not go see your pastor and a counselor, then I would suggest you go. The support and wisdom will be vital to you. Counseling, spiritual nurture, and a group with other men who are fighting the same battle will be needed in order for your husband to change. There are computer programs (such as Covenant Eyes) that you can put on your computer to protect users from accessing pornography, which would be wise to do for your chil-dren’s sake as well. Having the computer protected and also putting it in a public room in the house means secrecy is almost impossible. The Scriptures are clear that what comes out of us comes from our hearts. Your husband’s use of pornography tells us something about him, not you. You are struggling with fear and embarrassment, both of which are understand-able. However, you do not want such things to keep you from following God in this place. Stand in the light; speak

the truth; love your husband enough to call him to the highest. You do not want his sinful and confused choices to lead you into sinful and confused choices. Seek help; find some godly women to support you; read about the subject and find a counselor who has expertise in this issue. I know it is distressing and frightening and has disturbed your world, but I also know God can do a great redemp-tive work in both of you if you will follow after Him in dealing with this issue.

QUESTION TO EW: I’ve been a pastor for 14 years. My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have two beautiful children together—a 14-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son. As a pastor, I am struggling with how to handle my wife’s recent infidelity. I have proof of her unfaithfulness but have not yet confronted her because I honestly don’t know how to handle it… nor do I want to face the nega-tive impact I know it will have on my children and profession. Although I realize I must confront her and tell the leadership of my church, I have been putting it off out of fear—fear for my marriage, fear for my children, fear for my livelihood. Our marriage has been a bit rocky over the past few months, so I’m also scared that my wife will not be receptive to counseling regardless of my eagerness to forgive and seriously work on our relationship. I genuinely want to do everything in my power to repair my marriage and save my family, but I’m just not sure how to approach this difficult situation.