christian counseling today
Vol. 20 no. 4
39
How do we Foster Healing Community?
Time + Grace + Truth
How can a local church provide an environment that fosters healing
culture? There are three essential elements:
“In short, it takes time to grow.
And time alone will not do it. Time must be joined by grace and truth. When
we respond responsibly to these three elements, we will not only heal, but also
bear fruit”
(Dr. Henry Cloud,
Changes That Heal
).
What Jerry experienced in DR was very deliberate. It is a support group
that has existed for more than 30 years, meeting every week—holiday or
not—because grief and painful circumstances are not something that can
be scheduled. (In fact, holidays can be times when support is needed most,
but many groups are unavailable.) The support group that Jerry eventually
led was one of many small groups that meet weekly. Members participate
in the same group for as long as they wish—sometimes for years. This
honors the ingredient of
time
as each individual goes through his/her own
process of healing, however long it may take. Group members are accepted
each week in whatever state they may be in and are always cared for and
welcomed. No one suggests that someone “get over it” or asks, “Have you
been able to move on yet?”
Jerry found
grace
as well. Unfortunately, there are instances where DR
attendees have been rejected by their own churches because they were going
through divorce. No one should be “called out” at DR, even for cheating
on a spouse while still being legally married. It made Jerry feel safe that
even though he had made mistakes, he would be able to deal with them at
his own pace without condemnation. He knew that everyone at DR felt
their own shame, just like he did, and none of them needed reminders.
Here, he felt accepted in spite of who he was and whatever he had done,
because everyone was acknowledging their brokenness openly.
“Most of us were taught that God would love us if and when we change. In
fact, God loves you so that you can change. What empowers change, what
makes you desirous of change is the experience of love. It is that inherent
experience of love that becomes the engine of change.” –
Richard Rohr,
Following the Mystics through the Narrow Gate: Seeing God in All Things
Through DR, God’s love began to feel real to Jerry. It was a safe place
where he could begin to face hard
truths
and, as a result, work on his
personal issues. He learned about safe and unsafe behaviors and attitudes
and began to find the courage and strength to change. Also, he learned
how to bring safety into his relationships,
particularly by paying attention to personal
boundaries, and discovered how to identify those
with whom it would be safe to be in relationship.
Over time, Jerry discovered he was making better
choices and found himself attracted to healthier
friends.
Eventually, Jerry met a lovely woman who
shared his faith and newfound interest in
ministry. It was as if he had been given a whole
new start on life. He has since remarried, moved,
and created a DR ministry with his wife at
their local church. Jerry’s involvement with DR
brought him a blessing he never expected out of
the terrible pain and stigma of his divorce, which
brings to mind the Apostle Paul’s words to the
Corinthians:
“[God] helps us in all our troubles, so
that we are able to help others who have all kinds of
troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have
received from God. Just as we have a share in Christ’s
many sufferings, so also through Christ we share in
God’s great help”
(2 Corinthians 1:4-5, GNT).
That is the blessing that our pain and stigma
find within a healing community.
✠
Sue Kim-Ahn
is an ordained
minister and Director of Community
Life Ministries at the Menlo Park
campus of Menlo Park Presbyterian
Church. She lives in Redwood City
with her husband and three sons.
Monte Fisher
is Director of
Care and Recovery Ministries at
Menlo Park Presbyterian Church and
Executive Director in the U.S. for
Achungo Children’s Center, a school for
orphans in Kenya. He is married with
three grown sons.
M
Mary had suffered serious abuse all her life. Because she identified those experiences
with professing Catholics, she had a deep-seated anger and avoided all churches.
However, she knew she needed a recovery fellowship and mustered the courage to
try the Christian 12-step group at a large church nearby. As she walked in, the speaker
was sharing her story of struggles with addiction to romance and sexual compulsions.
It was clearly a difficult story to tell and reminded Mary of her own pain, brokenness
and compulsions. She felt at home. This would be a safe place where, in community
with others struggling with their own recovery, she could find help to face her own fears,
hurts, and behaviors and submit them to the power that is greater than herself….
