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christian counseling today
Vol. 20 no. 4
A
the spring of living water, and have dug their
own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold
water.” Sex addicts ultimately turn away from God
because they do not believe He will quench their
deepest thirsts. They turn to sexual acting out in
an attempt to find something counterfeit, though
temporarily quite effective, to assuage the barren-
ness of their souls.
A foundational truth is that despite the reali-
ties of the pleasure principles at work in the brain,
sexual addiction is not primarily about sex. Rather,
this problem is an
intimacy disorder
characterized
by using lust and sexual gratification in an attempt
to meet non-sexual needs. Intimacy can be defined
as “into-me-see” and, the truth is, we are scared to
death to allow even those closest to us see behind
the facades we have constructed in an attempt to
keep ourselves safe. Many people hold the core
belief:
If you see who I really am, you will most
certainly reject me.
Therefore, sex addicts go after the false connec-
tion of anonymous, disconnected and illicit
sexual activity as a “safer” way of feeling known
or accepted. In echoes from Eden, however, the
aftertaste of this forbidden fruit is despair, loneli-
ness, shame and a sense of isolation from God, one’s
closest relationships, and even self.
So many men and women have reached for
quick answers, made hundreds of promises to
stop, prayed fervently for God to remove their lust,
practiced “taking every thought captive,” joined
accountability groups, or sought some other well-
intentioned attempt to end their secret battle with
sexual lust or addiction… yet all to no avail.
So what is missing in the Church’s typical
approach?
The healing power of community.
And
why is community so important? The answer is
found in attachment theory, which is the latest
trend in treating sexual addiction.
Prevailing clinical wisdom asserts the origin
of sexual addiction is rooted in early attach-
ment failures with primary caregivers (Carnes
& Adams, 2002). Disrupted attachment literally
rewires the brain as it creates dysregulation in
the infant’s nervous system that demands to be
soothed in some manner (Fisher, 2000). Anxiety
(fight or flight reactions) or dissociation (freeze)
are the prevailing brain responses. Eventually,
then, sexual addiction becomes a way to medicate
the pain of attachment injuries, while providing
the added benefit in the process of a hit of plea-
surable dopamine (which plays a major role in
