10
Christian Counseling Connection
HEALTHY SEXUALITY
I
n a long-term marriage, passion comes and goes. For many couples, especially
during the parenting years, sex may get delegated to the back burner and passion
slowly fades away. The kids grow up… parents turn 50 and then ask, “Where did
that passion go?”
A better question is, “How can you get the passion back?” From our work over the
years with couples in the second half of marriage, we suggest a Three-P prescription
for rediscovering the second spring of love. The first P is
Passion
—understanding why
it tends to fade. The second P is the
Physical
aspect—understanding how our bodies
change as we age. The third P is the
Practical
—taking simple steps to renew a passion-
ate love life.
UNDERSTANDINGWHY PASSION FADES
Even when spouses work hard at staying close and connected, sex can become predict-
able, routine and boring. Isn’t great sex one of the benefits of working hard over the
years to build a strong marriage? Well, “Yes” and “No.” Strong does not necessarily mean
sexy and passionate.
Couples can be attached and committed to each other, but still experience bore-
dom, inhibitions, and disappointment in their sexual relationship, which can lead to
decreased desire and avoidance. Well-known sex educators and therapists, Joyce and
Cliff Penner, talked about “The Neurobiology of Sex” in a recent AACC Webinar. An
interesting point they made was “the cocktail of brain chemicals that sparks attraction is
totally different from the blend that fosters long-term attachment.”
1
So what is the antidote for a “blah” sex life? How can you reignite the passionate
side of love? Consider this: fire needs air to burn, and passion needs more than the
long-term attachment of security, love and closeness. Passion needs some air and space.
To stoke your fire, you need a bit of adventure, intrigue and imagination. To reignite the
passion, step out of your comfort zone and do the unexpected. Surprise your spouse.
Become more unpredictable. Be a bit more mysterious. Add some novelty.
Psychologist and international sex expert, Esther Perel, in a TEDTalks video, The
Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship, shares how “erotic intelligence” can be
cultivated through playfulness, curiosity, and even a bit of drama, which can lead to
anticipation and being more erotic with each other. She encourages couples to have
“premeditated sex.” We learned a long time ago that if you are waiting for spontaneity,
you may be waiting a long time! So, if we have persuaded you to be proactive, the next
step is to check out your equipment.
EXAMINING THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF LOVE
Around the age of 50 is a good time for a thorough physical exam. Consider it your
50,000 mile checkup. Your body is changing and it is helpful to understand those
changes, especially the ones that can affect your sex life. Menopause, with the accom-
panying hormonal ups and downs, can play havoc on emotions. Some medications
may affect sexual response. Sometimes a change of medication may be in order. Erectile
dysfunction issues today can often be treated with medication. However, a pill will not
always solve the problem or make you happy.
Dr. Douglas Rosenau and Dr. Jim and Carolyn Childerston, in their book,
A Cel-
ebration of Sex After 50
, remind us that it is important to understand what is happening
physiologically, as well as emotionally, psychologically, sexually and spiritually. They
stress that the majority of complaints concerning sexuality in aging adults are produced
by a lack of knowledge of the normal physiological changes linked with age and an in-
ability to effectively communicate needs and preferences.
2
Once you get your clean bill of health, get moving. Exercise is good for your love
life! It can even be an aphrodisiac. We love to hike and find that our regular hikes
enhance our love life by improving muscle tone and blood flow. Furthermore, men who
exercise 20-30 minutes daily are 50% less likely to have erectile dysfunction. So our
advice is to get moving!
TAKE SOME PRACTICAL STEPS TOHAVE GREAT DATES
Our third P is to move from theory to the practical and break out of your rut with some
great dates. The difference between a rut and a grave is only a matter of a few feet. What
can you do to add some adventure and mystery, thus creating passion? If you always
make love in the evening, try mornings. Call in late to work one morning or plan a
middle-of-the-day rendezvous. Surprise your spouse with an impromptu massage. Re-
boot the dating habit. Here are three suggestions:
1. Love Nest Redo Date
Turn your bedroom into a love nest. Have a date to shop for scented candles, new
pillows, etc. Add a dimmer switch for atmosphere.
Out
is everything that had to do
with work and
in
is anything that creates a romantic atmosphere like soft music,
candles and flowers.
2. Have a Pick-up Date (for the adventuresome)
Invite your spouse to meet you at a local hotel lobby. Pretend you do not know
each other and have a pick-up date. Beforehand, get a room for the evening. Ar-
range the flowers you previously picked up with a picnic basket of treats or have
room service deliver your dinner. No television, movies or Internet. Turn all electri-
cal devices to the off position! Trust us, this will be a passion “turn on.”
3. Have a Prayer Date
A prayer date will help you connect your faith, love and marriage. You may even
discover a deeper intimacy when you pray together. Remember, God is the One
who invented sex and it was (and is) very good! Read the Song of Solomon to each
other.
One last tip. Stir up the oxytocin and dopamine by kissing twice a day for 10 seconds
and hugging for 20 seconds. Now is a great time to stoke the fire. You just may be able
to identify with the Spanish poet, Antonio Machado, who wrote: “I thought the fire was
out in my fireplace; I stirred the ashes, and I burned my hands.”
3
Claudia and David Arp, MSW,
are the founders of
Marriage Alive
and creators of
10 Great Dates
and the brand-new
Great Dates Connect
,
a four-date small group resource with Heather and Dr. Peter Larson
(available at
. The Arps have written numerous
books, including the Gold Medallion Award-winning
Second Half of
Marriage
. Their upcoming book,
10 Great Dates: Connecting Faith,
Love and Marriage
, will be available at the AACC World Conference.
Endnotes
1 Penner, C.L. & Penner, J.J. (2013).
The Art of Loving Well: Tips and Strategies for Cultivating Marital Pas-
sion and Intimacy.
(AACC Webinar).
2 Rosenau, D., Childerston, J. & Childerston, C. (2004).
A Celebration of Sex After 50.
Nashville, TN: Nelson
Books.
3 Calvo, G. (1988).
Face to Face
, St. Paul, MN: International Marriage Encounter.
Passion
Finding
After 50:
The Second Spring of Love
Claudia and David Arp, MSW
