12
Christian Counseling Connection
LAY HELPING
If a Christian can forgive himself or herself, when
is it okay to do so? Is just saying, “I forgive myself”
enough? Somehow, it does not feel like it is. As a coun-
selor, how can I help sincere Christian clients who are
plagued with self-condemnation forgive themselves?
If God forgives us, is that not sufficient? Well, yes
and no. Recall Psalm 51. It is marked, “A psalm of Da-
vid. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David
had committed adultery with Bathsheba.” You are, I am
sure, familiar with David’s lament: “Have mercy on me,
O God,… blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my
iniquity….” It goes on and on through the entire Psalm.
This does not sound like a man forgiven. Yet, when we
read the account (2 Samuel 12:7) of the confrontation
by Nathan (“You are the man!...”), we find that David
was forgiven. Nathan immediately announced David’s
sin would have profound consequences for himself and
the nation of Israel (vv. 7-12).
Second Samuel continues, “Then David said to Na-
than, ‘I have sinned against the Lord.’ Nathan replied,
‘The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to
die…’” (v. 13). David was forgiven, but when he penned
Psalm 51, he was still self-condemning.
David lamented legitimately because God had for-
given his moral guilt—totally—however, God did not
remove the consequences of that sin. For us, Christ’s
work is sufficient to take away our total moral guilt
when we sin also. Yet, there are other consequences
where we might still feel legitimate self-condemnation
for having done something wrong. We need other ways
of working through those consequences than simply
expecting God will completely heal them. Namely, we
must try to repair the social consequences—or if we
now face consequences that cannot be repaired (like
Bathsheba’s pregnancy, for example), then we must try
to make amends that help others not experience such
consequences in the future. We pay it forward in a
sense, because we cannot pay it back. Furthermore, we
have likely also inflicted moral injury and psychological
consequences on ourselves. Those need to be addressed
as well.
Thus, there are three pre-conditions before consid-
ering self-forgiveness. First, we must confess contritely
to God for mercy, grace and divine forgiveness. This is
an absolute necessity. Second, as part of repentance,
we must repair the social damage we have caused or
pay it forward—not to earn God’s favor or forgiveness,
but because we are
already
forgiven. Third, we need to
address our psychological damage. We can tone down
our rumination and self-blame at not living up to God’s,
others’, or even our own standards. Cognitive Behav-
ioral Therapy (CBT) methods can help. Once we go to
God and start on the other two pre-conditions, then we
can forgive ourselves.
Self-forgiveness requires making a decision to value
ourselves the way God values us. Deciding to forgive
ourselves is necessary, but it is not enough to result in
peace. We also need emotional self-forgiveness (www.
forgiveself.com). REACH Forgiveness (see sidebar) is a
five-step method to change emotions from negative self-
condemnation to positive feelings of empathy, sympathy,
compassion, and love for one’s self.
After working toward decisional and emotional
self-forgiveness, we must take two more steps: (1) self-
acceptance as a person who is flawed, but precious in
God’s sight—precious enough for Jesus’ self-sacrificial
death for us, and (2) resolve to live as virtuously as pos-
sible with the help of the Holy Spirit. Self-acceptance
involves self-confrontation: “I knew I was fallen, but I
never thought I would do
that
!” Self-acceptance is often
more difficult than forgiving oneself. Living virtuously
requires practice. The spiritual disciplines and life
within the body of Christ help believers live virtuously.
How virtuously? Enough that when our virtue is chal-
lenged, we can act in ways that do not lead to more
self-condemnation.
What might responsible self-forgiveness look like?
Responsible self-forgiveness leads to humility. Christian
apologist and pastor, Timothy Keller, observes that we
rarely pay attention to our body unless it is malfunc-
tioning. We do not walk around saying, “Oh, my toes
feel lovely!” We do not even notice well-functioning
toes. We, too, can walk around without paying attention
to our egos. We are self-forgetful. Issues of self-condem-
nation are pushed down because, in humility, we seek to
serve others rather than focusing on ourselves.
Can we assist others toward responsible self-forgive-
ness? Yes, we can help them work through those steps:
Responsibility
•
Step 1: Receive God’s Forgiveness
•
Step 2: Repent and Repair Relationships
•
Step 3: Reduce Rumination
Reaching Peace
•
Step 4: REACH Emotional Self-forgiveness
Realistic Living
•
Step 5: Realize Self-acceptance
•
Step 6: Resolve to Live Virtuously
In our clinical research lab, we are developing ways to
do this other than through individual counseling. We
have developed psychoeducational groups, workbook
interventions to promote self-forgiveness and humility,
and I have written some self-help books. We are testing
the workbooks this year, and if anyone would like to try
them with clients, we would love to make them avail-
able.
Self-condemnation can be devastating, yet because
many Christians have had questions about it, some pro-
fessional and lay counselors are wary of taking it on as a
psychotherapy goal. Yet, we believe when done respon-
sibly, after doing business with God, social fallout, and
personal struggles, self-forgiveness can pave the way to
better Christian self-acceptance and living a more virtu-
ous life.
Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D.,
is
Professor of Psychology at Virginia Com-
monwealth University. He has studied
forgiveness, Christian beliefs and values,
and couple counseling since the 1970s.
Due to his brother’s suicide, he turned his
attention to forgiving himself for his own failures. His
new book,
Moving Forward: Six Steps to Self-forgiveness
and Breaking Free from the Past
, is the product of that
personal and clinical exploration, which is informed by
his and others’ research.
References
Keller, T. (2012).
The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness: The Path to True Chris-
tian Joy
. Leyland, England: 10Publishing.
Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2013).
Moving Forward: Six Steps to Self-forgiveness
and Breaking Free from the Past
. Colorado Springs: WaterBrook/Mult-
nomah.
Worthington, E.L., Jr. (2007).
Humility: The Quiet Virtue
. Philadelphia:
Templeton Press.
REACH
FORGIVENESS
The REACH Forgiveness program
has been used extensively to pro-
mote forgiveness (
.
edu/~eworth) and has been shown
in 22 published randomized clinical
trials to be successful at promoting
forgiveness of others in psychoeduca-
tional groups, psychotherapy, couple
therapy and enrichment, and with ad-
olescents. Recently, we have adapted
it to use with forgiving oneself* (see
).
R
=
Recall
the hurt (Try to
think about the reason
for your self-condemnation
without lingering on self-
blame.)
E
=
Emotionally
replace
the negative emotions
with more positive ones (In-
stead of guilt, remorse, shame
and self-blame, give yourself
grace and mercy, self-com-
passion and healthy, Christian
self-love.)
A
=
Altruistic
gift of self-
forgiveness (Give your-
self the same generous gift of
unselfish forgiveness as you
would give others.)
C
=
Commit
to the self-
forgiveness you expe-
rience (When you do forgive
yourself, do something to
make it noteworthy—consider
posting a note that you have
forgiven yourself or tell some-
one close to you.)
H
=
Hold
onto self-
forgiveness when you
doubt (The remorse can come
back at times, but usually this
is your conscience reminding
you not to do wrong again.)
*Scherer, M., Worthington, E.L., Jr., Hook,
J.N. & Campana, K.L. (2011). Forgiveness
and the Bottle: Promoting Self-forgiveness
in Individuals who Abuse Alcohol.
Journal
of Addictive Diseases
, 30(4), 382-395.
*Worthington, E.L., Jr. & Langberg, D.
(2012). Religious Considerations and Self-
forgiveness in Treating Trauma in Present
and Former Soldiers.
Journal of Psychology
and Theology
, 40(4). 274-288.
Everett L.Worthington, Jr., Ph.D.
