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Christian Counseling Connection
HEALTHY SEXUALITY
Jim Cress, M.A., LPC, CSAT
O
ne of the lasting impacts of any type of abuse is the damage done to the victim’s
sexuality. A common response to sexual abuse is for the victim to believe that
sex is dirty, a terrible joke played by God on humanity, and should be avoided
at all costs. Others may later try to medicate the trauma of their abuse by acting
out in sexual addiction, compulsivity or sexual promiscuity… believing sex is their
greatest need, the place they feel most powerful and desired, and sexual experiences
should be frequent.
If victims of abuse want to experience God’s healing touch in their broken sexual-
ity, they must first examine the extent of the damage from the abuse, as well as the
unhealthy beliefs they have carried deep in their minds and hearts about sexuality, self-
image, men, women, and God. This closer look at the facts and impact of one’s sexual
abuse can seem counterintuitive. Many abuse victims question the logic and benefit of
recalling those painful stories. However, the late M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and best-
selling author, reminds us, “Mental health is commitment to reality at all costs.”
1
Since trauma is stored not just in memories and the soul, but also on the cellular
level in the body, the treatment and healing of any type of abuse must not be superfi-
cial, or merely cognitive. Jeremiah 6:14 warns us,
“They dress the wound of my people as
though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace,’ they say, when there is no peace”
(NIV). When indi-
viduals have experienced any type of abuse, especially sexual abuse, there is a crucial
need for them to find a safe, experienced counselor with whom they can share their
shameful and painful stories. I suggest a counselor who has training in dealing with
trauma and sexual abuse. The ability to break the code of silence and bring the shame-
ful darkness of abuse into the light of God’s gracious healing is foundational for the
development of authentic, healthy sexuality. As Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us, we
will stay “as sick as our secrets.”
One of the realities for many women is that they are married to men who have their
own dark sexual secrets. If a man has been looking at pornography, with or without
masturbation, he has wired his brain to the objectification of women. Sadly, this often
means that much, if not most, of his marital intimacy has been a type of addicted sex in
marriage. Many women have told me in my counseling office they feel dirty or objecti-
fied in their sex lives with their husbands. These women know they can never measure
up to the women depicted in pornography. This is what I call the “pornographization”
of wives. Many female clients admit they often have sex with their husbands out of mere
obligation to “fulfill their wifely duties.” This is certainly not healthy sexuality. Unfortu-
nately, even Christian marriages are not immune to abuse. This includes the verbal and
emotional abuse of husbands pressuring wives to be sexual.
After a period of individual counseling and a time of healing from past abuse, there
needs to be an honest, thorough assessment for any involvement with pornography or
other sexual unfaithfulness in the marriage or relationship. Once a full disclosure has
been made, the healing process for a couple can be helped tremendously by a mutually
agreed upon time of sexual abstinence. A time period of 60-90 days is typically recom-
mended.
Most couples I have counseled, including Christians, were sexually involved with
each other at some level before they were married. This can include sexual foreplay,
mutual masturbation (often referred to as “heavy petting”), oral sex, or intercourse. In
these premarital conditions, many aspects of healthy relational bonding are hindered,
as the neurochemical and emotional highs impair judgment and give couples a false
sense of closeness and security. During this mutually agreed upon period of sexual
abstinence, couples can begin discovering or rediscovering healthy, nonsexual ways
to connect. This nonsexual intimacy includes holding hands, taking walks together,
holding each other, giving daily verbal affirmations of each other, praying together,
rich communication, and simply having fun together. The vision I have for couples in
this sexual abstinence time is for them to recommit their relationships to God and each
other. When doing so in grace, forgiveness and love, couples can experience the healthy
bonding process they pole-vaulted over during their dating and engagement period.
Author, zoologist, and sociologist, Desmond Morris, has outlined 12 observable
steps in the pair bonding process in his book,
Intimate Behaviour: A Zoologist’s Classic
Study of Human Intimacy
.
2
These progressive steps in the bonding process with couples
are too often rushed through, if not entirely skipped over. Morris’ 12 steps of pair
bonding, in order, include: Eye-to-body, eye-to-eye, voice-to-voice, hand-to-hand,
arm-to-shoulder, arm-to-waist, mouth-to-mouth, hand-to-head, hand-to-body, mouth-
to-breast, hand-to-genital, and genital-to-genital. Having couples go slowly through
these pair bonding steps can facilitate a healthy, healing sexual development. I highly
recommend Christian sex expert, Dr. Doug Rosenau, and his excellent resource,
A
Celebration of Sex
,
3
for helping couples start or restart their journey of passionate, holy
sexual intimacy. Working with a good Christian sex therapist can be immensely helpful.
Vital to the journey of healing from abuse in the development of healthy sexuality
is the necessity of self-care and clear boundaries in relationships. “No” is a complete
sentence. Victims of abuse typically believed they could not protect themselves when
the abuse was happening. Empowered, healthy adults pay attention to their bodies,
intuition, and any uncomfortable feelings when it comes to sexuality and their sexual
experiences.
Our sexuality was dealt its first blow in the Garden of Eden, when after the Fall,
men and women no longer were “naked and unashamed.” God continues today to in-
vite us to come out of our shameful hiding, take off our man-made fig leaves, and enjoy
the vulnerable, authentic sexuality He created us to experience.
Jim Cress, M.A., LPC, CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist),
is a broadcaster of 33 years and a conference speaker. He has a private
practice in Charlotte, North Carolina, where he leads several men’s
therapy groups, and is a group leader at Onsite Workshops.
Endnotes
1
Peck, M.S. (1978).
The Road Less Travelled.
New York: Touchstone.
2
Morris, D. (1971).
Intimate Behaviour: A Zoologist’s Classic Study of Human Intimacy.
New York, NY: Kodansha
America, Inc.
3
Rosenau, D. (1994).
A Celebration of Sex.
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
HOW TO
FOSTER
HEALTHY
SEXUAL
DEVELOPMENT
AFTER ABUSE
