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Christian Counseling Connection
LAY HELPING
Remember the childhood saying: “Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but words will never hurt me?” What a lie!
Obviously, this old adage addresses both physical abuse and
verbal abuse. Yet, most people miss the third type of abuse inevitably
felt—emotional abuse. While various forms of
overt abuse
are fairly
easy to recognize, identifying
covert abuse
calls for greater discernment.
Defining our terms can be helpful in getting a handle on these damag-
ing behaviors.
• Verbal abuse
is the systematic, ongoing use of harmful words
or sharp tones in an attempt to control or demean another
person.
•
Emotional abuse
is the unseen fallout of all forms of abuse—
physical, mental, verbal, sexual and even spiritual abuse—
striking at the very core of who we are.
1
Emotional abuse
ranges from consistent indifference (covert) to
continual belittling (overt). In 2 Samuel 13, we read the tragic story of
Tamar, daughter of King David, being verbally deceived by her half-
brother who feigns illness before her, rapes her and then completely
repudiates her.
Adding insult to injury, their father, King David, refuses to hold
his son accountable for the sexual assault. In doing so, David covertly
abuses Tamar by failing to enact justice on her behalf—silently scream-
ing, “Your dignity is not worth defending!” Here, we witness sinister
verbal abuse, vicious sexual abuse and multiple forms of blatant emo-
tional abuse.
Passive-aggressive behavior
—another form of covert abuse—in-
volves manipulating another person to gain control in the relationship.
Passive-aggressive people express anger
indirectly
and seek to control
others in evasive, underhanded or deceitful ways. Shunning, slight-
ing or sabotaging the success of others—unlike acts of physical or
verbal violence—can be much more difficult to detect, although just
as damaging. Passive-aggressive abusers can master the art of fostering
chaos, silent disapproval and withholding affirmation, while also using
intentional procrastination, chronic lateness and ongoing ambiguity as
a means of punishing others.
Rejection
is a powerful form of emotional abuse. Repeated
messages of being unwanted or unloved can be devastating. Covert
rejection takes place in subtle ways, such as the parent who constantly
raises the bar with unreasonable demands beyond the child’s ability…
or the displeased spouse who coldly withholds compassion and care.
The Bible warns of the one whose
“talk is smooth as butter, yet war is
in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords”
(Psalm 55:21). In addition to the already mentioned characteristics, the
following partial list can help you and your clients recognize emotional
abusers and their nonverbal abusive acts:
•
Abandoning children, spouse, responsibility
•
Being overly suspicious, jealous, controlling
•
Betraying family, friends, coworkers
•
Frequently changing requirements, rules, expectations
•
Interfering with concentration, work, sleep
•
Prohibiting friendships, decisions, phone calls
•
Pouting, wallowing in “pity parties,” playing cruel tricks
•
Refusing to listen, validate, or leave when asked
•
Slamming doors, drawers, phones
•
Sulking, stealing, stalking
•
Walking away as a power play
When I am contacted on my live, two-hour, call-in counseling
program, Hope In The Night, I recommend these general steps for
coping with emotional abuse.
1. Educate Yourself – Proverbs 1:5
• Emotional abuse can continue for years before victims re-
alize their relational dynamics are not normal—especially
if abuse was “normal” in their family of origin.
• Realize, abusers are calculating, and their behavior is
designed to control you.
• After you recognize the tactical behavior of your abuser,
you will feel less discouraged. This, in turn, will help you
balance the emotional “playing field.”
2. Set Boundaries – Galatians 1:10
• Specify what behavior is unacceptable.
• Communicate what the repercussion will be—from that
point forward—if your abuser chooses to “cross the line”
(e.g., “I want us to have the best relationship possible,
but if you choose to [name the offense], I will leave for a
period of time. Ultimately, it’s your choice.” Whether you
go for a walk around the block or leave for hours, days or
weeks is your decision.)
• Refuse to accept excuses for repeated abusive behavior.
3. Seize the Moment – Ecclesiastes 9:17
• Each time the abuser begins to change the subject or
twist your words, speak up.
• Repeat back the incorrect or unreasonable words spoken
to you.
• Remain calm. Abusers want a strong reaction from you.
4. Seek to Surface the Abuser’s Underlying Hostility – Proverbs
20:5
• Acknowledge that you sense your abuser’s anger.
• Confirm that anger can be appropriate—but
never
abu-
sive anger.
• Proverbs 19:19 says,
“A hot-tempered person must pay the
penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again.”
5. Confront Wisely – Ephesians 4:1-3
• Confront the behavior, not the person.
• Avoid threats, sarcasm, hostility, put-downs or judg-
ments of your abuser’s intentions.
• Respectfully ask questions when you do not get a clear,
direct answer.
6. Stay in the Present – Proverbs 4:25-27
• Focus on the issue at hand.
• Do not bring up past issues.
• Do not let the abuser derail you.
7. Embrace Realistic Expectations – 1 John 1:8-9
• Do not put all of your hope in the expectation that your
abuser will change; rather, trust in God to meet your
needs.
• Remember, you cannot make the abuser change… no
matter how hard you try.
• Realize
you
can change—
and must
! However, the abuser’s
change will happen only after admitting wrong and get-
ting help.
8. Strengthen Your Relationship with God and His People – 2
Peter 1:3-4
• Look first to Him for discernment about your relation-
ships.
• Renew your mind with Scripture and live dependently on
Christ.
• Seek support from wise, godly believers who will help
you heal and grow.
I have seen the Lord change the lives of countless emotionally abused
victims… and today, they walk with freedom in His will. Predictably,
change most often begins when victims—rather than perpetrators—
reach out for help.
As strugglers embrace the healing journey with perseverance, the
Lord Himself promises to empower their every step. Hebrews 10:36
gives us this assurance,
“You need to persevere so that when you have done
the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
June Hunt, M.A,
is the Founder, CEO and CSO
(Chief Servant Officer) of Hope For The Heart, offer-
ing biblical hope and practical help in more than 28
languages and 60 countries. Her proprietary Biblical
Counseling Library provides in-depth insights into
100 counseling/coaching topics. June’s teaching is
featured in monthly Biblical Counseling Institutes and
on two, daily radio programs: “Hope For The Heart,” and the live, two-
hour call-in counseling program, “Hope In The Night.” Connect with
June on Facebook and Twitter.
Adapted from
How to Rise Above Abuse
, Copyright © 2010 by Hope for the Heart, Inc.
Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon 97402.
-
lishers.com. Used by permission.
Endnote
1
Hunt, J. (2008).
Verbal & Emotional Abuse: Victory Over Verbal & Emotional Abuse
, Biblical
Counseling Keys Library. Dallas: Hope for the Heart.
