christian counseling today
Vol. 20 no. 4
77
E
ight kids. Rural Pennsylvania.
It is amazing the lessons you
quickly learn when growing
up in a large family. From
resolving conflict to regulating difficult
emotions, from loving unconditionally
to listening well… I owe much of who I
am today not to my doctoral degree, but
to my family.
It was an entertaining, yet safe,
place for self-exploration and discovery.
In those formative years, I learned the
importance of how to give, forgive and
compromise. I gained purpose and
security from the larger identity of our
family “clan.” I learned that rules and
authority are important, but not always
perfect. And, most of all, I experienced
the fidelity of love in the gut-wrenching
moments of life.
Looking back on my childhood
from the perspective of being a seasoned
therapist, I can certainly testify to the
tremendously influential power of rela-
tionships. As human beings, created in
the image of the triune God, we are rela-
tional at the core. “It is not good for the
man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18), God
spoke, referencing not only the biblical
design for marriage, but also the funda-
mental human wiring to be known and
loved. Just as a husband is called to leave
his past life to “cleave” to his wife, we,
as the Body of Christ, are also called to
hold on to one another for dear life—
the literal meaning of “cleave.”
Relationships are central. We orga-
nize our lives around family, friends,
co-workers, neighbors, even fellow
parishioners. Relationships can be
the greatest source of joy, delight and
satisfaction, yet also the greatest cause
of pain and brokenness. Comparison.
Jealousy. Gossip. Backbiting. Betrayal.
Anything that has immense power for
good also has great potential for hurt
and chaos. As a result, many of us
draw back, hiding behind well-crafted
defenses that hold others at arm’s length.
Therein lies the tragedy: While we ache
for change, begging God to transform
us and set us free from sinful habits, we
sabotage the greatest agent of change.
Poet and novelist, Wendell Berry,
describes it, “Healing is impossible in
loneliness,”
1
and in the words of an old
Jewish proverb, “He who goes too far
alone, goes mad.”
Healing, growth and change do not
happen in a vacuum. There is a sacred
bonding that takes place when people
take the risk of vulnerability, baring
their souls to one another and pouring
out their deepest hurts, fears, hopes and
dreams. No wonder King Solomon said
“two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes
4:9) and the Apostle Paul challenges
believers, “[C]onfess your sins to one
another and pray for one another, that
you may be healed” (James 5:16).
Regardless of the context—whether
professional group psychotherapy or a
church-based support group—trans-
formation blossoms in the context
of relationship. Exploring the most
influential factors in psychotherapy,
psychologists, Michael Lambert and
Dean Barley, have discovered that only
15% of outcome variance is due to
specific techniques and interventions,
with a much larger influence being tied
to the power of the relationship itself.
2
According to social worker, John
O’Neill, “There is sort of a medical
assumption that if you do the treatment
better, the treatment causes the change,
not the human factors, the common
factors…. So we emphasize technique,
and we make out the therapist as hero
and healer. What’s more important
is how the therapist comes across to
the client, how they [clients] interpret
us connected to their context—that’s
the real deal.”
3
At the end of the day,
empathy, warmth, unconditional positive
regard, listening, and seeking to under-
stand go a long way, correlating more
highly with positive treatment outcomes
than particular interventions. These
constructs are significantly more evident
within group therapy settings, with
trickle-down effects on other therapeutic
environments, including growth-oriented
and topic-specific groups.
Group therapy researcher and
pioneer, Dr. Irving Yalom, suggests,
“Therapy should not be theory driven,
«
Tim Cl inton, Ed.D., LPC , LMFT
from the heart
The Healing Power of Relationships
Relationships can be the greatest source
of joy, delight and satisfaction, yet also the
greatest cause of pain and brokenness.
