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Christian Counseling Connection
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LEAD ARTICLES
Shame is back. Again.
There was a time in the history of mental health interven-
tion that shame was not discussed much. However, with the
exposure it has received from social work researcher, Brene
Brown, and others, it has managed to once again capture our
imagination. Nevertheless, I say it is back—again—because
given the response that Brown’s work has evoked, one would
think we had never before heard of the phenomenon—as if we
have forgotten that more than 25 years ago, John Bradshaw ex-
posed shame’s nature in his best-selling book,
Healing the Shame
that Binds You
. This put the topic on the map in a fresh way,
only for it to fade back into the shadows, waiting for a new
wave of hunters to track it down. Given how shame operates,
in another 25 years we will likely need someone else to discov-
er it again for the first time.
It is so like shame to behave in this way. Once it is re-
vealed, it does its level best to hide—taking us along with it—
as quickly as it can.
Hiding
is only one of the features of shame
with which we are familiar. We know what it feels like to turn
away from others, both physically as well as emotionally, when
we are shamed. And this points to shame’s fundamental means
of presentation. It is crucial to understand that shame is
primar-
ily an affective phenomenon
. It does not first begin as words. Hu-
mans can experience it as early as 15-18 months of age, long
before we are capable of, or require, language to communicate.
Shame emerges, rather, as a physically mediated emotional
state that may eventually be represented and carried by nega-
tive words (e.g., “I’m not good enough.” “I’m bad.” “Why can’t
you be like Mary’s husband?!”), but does not require words to
effectively carry out its purpose. All we need is to hear the tone
of voice, an impatient sigh, or see that slight, demeaning glance
for shame’s arrow to pierce us.
This emotional surge of shame, no matter how marginally
noticeable, then goes on to create states of
disintegration
. From
an interpersonal neurobiological perspective, the outcome
of shame’s work is one where various functions of our minds
(e.g., sensing, imaging, feeling, thinking, behaving, etc.) are
disconnected from each other—along with their respective
neural networks—as we, in our hiding, are disconnected from
other people. This leads to shame’s
self-reinforcing
nature: we
feel shame, and then feel shame for feeling shame.
Another tendency of shame is that of
condemnation
. This
may be the most painful element of our subject. And we all
know that, again, condemnation does not always need words
to do its work. Moreover, our self-condemnation far outweighs
that which we direct at others. There may be no more difficult
sentence in Scripture for me to get my mind—or my life—
around than Paul’s declaration that, “Therefore, there is now no
condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” (Romans
8:1).
This condemnation often leads to the last trait I will men-
tion, that of stasis. Shame leads to states of immobility. When
we are experiencing shame, we are unable to speak easily or
think clearly or creatively, unable to move out of the very sen-
sation of shame. We feel—often literally and physically—stuck.
This is no accident. For in this way, evil accomplishes its
far more comprehensive goal of devouring the entire creation.
Evil does not wield shame merely as a way to make humans
feel bad. Shame is used to
keep us from creating as we were made to
create
. Imagine the emotional energy that you use to cope with,
contain and regulate shame. Now consider what you would do
if you had access to all that energy, if you were not spending
so much time regulating shame in all its varied, and mostly
small, experiential, moments. Imagine what our family, church,
and educational lives would be like. Moreover, consider what
creativity would emerge in
all
of our vocational domains if we
responded to shame in the way the biblical narrative invites us
to do so.
Naturally, the question arises, “What to do?” Fortunately,
we find in the New Testament letter to the Hebrews a template
that is helpful and reflects what the research from interpersonal
neurobiology suggests:
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so
great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin
which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is
set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the
shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God”
(He-
brews 12:1-2).
“Therefore, there is now
no condemnation for those
who are in Christ Jesus....”
— Romans 8:1