24 / 80
24
christian counseling today
VOL. 22 NO. 1
Disclaimer: while pornography addiction is
present for both men and women, this article
focuses on the experiences of men who struggle
with pornography and their wives who have been
betrayed, simply because this is the relational
dynamic we counsel at our center. As a male
recovering from sexual addiction, Mark chose
to work only with a male population of sexual
addicts… and Debbie’s expertise was driven by
her experience as a betrayed spouse. We share
here from our own strengths and life experiences.
We must first understand how pornography
effects marriage and, inherently, marital
sexuality. Jesus teaches us in Matthew 5:28 that
looking lustfully at another woman is an act of
adultery. From this we must accept that “just
looking” at pornographic images is adultery.
When a pornography addict engages in sexuality
with his spouse, he is bringing thousands of
other images into the bedroom. Over time, he
will find that he cannot function or “perform”
without allowing his mind to be aroused by
those images. He is, therefore, not able to be
present. Since masturbation has been the regular
result of looking at porn, he may also not be
able to achieve or sustain an erection. This has
come to be called “Pornography Induced Erectile
Dysfunction.” The spouse will sense the addict’s
emotional absence and often be frustrated
with the sexual experience. All too often, she
will personalize this as being about her, her
attractiveness, or her sexual abilities.
When we talk with couples who first come
to us with pornography addiction or infidelity
issues, struggles with sexuality and feeling
disconnected have often been present for a
very long time. Neither one of them has had
the ability to talk about the feelings and beliefs
that accompany that tension. We believe both
spouses share similar vision for their relationship:
emotional and spiritual intimacy and healthy
sexuality. And along the way, sex—how often, who initiates, how
passionate it has been, and what kind of closeness is experienced before
or after—has led to feelings of sadness, frustration, anger, rejection and
beliefs that, “I am not loved.” Of course, these emotions and perceptions
transpire with little communication.
An Addict’s Distorted Messages and Core Beliefs
Addicts confuse sex and love. They hold a core belief that sex is equal
to love. Therefore, they believe that if their spouses love them, they will
always be willing to engage in sexuality. Sex, they believe, is the way they
are affirmed, accepted, loved, and nurtured. Addicts will interpret any
touch and sexualize it, as they have lost the ability to appreciate healthy,
non-sexual touch as being life sustaining. The arguments that we hear in
our counseling office about sexuality are often based on this fundamental
confusion and fear. In short, the pornography addiction will be brought
into the bedroom in several different ways and does create significant
problems.
Sex addicts also have negative core beliefs about themselves. Many
of them are the survivors of early life trauma. This can take two forms.
They can be invaded sexually, physically, and emotionally. We believe
that while invasion is true for some addicts, the second form of trauma is
pervasive. Over our years of experience with addicts, we have not known
one who has not been abandoned or neglected of his/her basic needs and
desires. They believe: “I am bad and worthless,” that “No one will love
me as I am,” and “No one will take care of my needs except me.” Many
have said that addicts have an “intimacy disorder.” This can show up as
being avoidant. It can also show up in anxiously pursuing relationships. In
addition to the neurochemical high of sexuality, addicts are on a “quest” to
find love and nurture.
1
A Spouse’s Distorted Messages and Core Beliefs
We have often heard it said that sexual addiction is uniquely painful to a
spouse because it seems so personal. Unlike other addictions to alcohol,
drugs, gambling or food, a husband’s use of pornography shatters the core
beliefs of most wives on a personal level. Her thinking about herself, ability
to trust, and vulnerability to live with someone who has broken marriage
vows and withheld the truth leaves her with great pain. She can quickly
start believing that there is something wrong with her, that she will never
be enough, that she will never be able to trust her spouse again, and that
her life is ruined. This shattering of her core beliefs is what creates the
trauma of pornography addiction.
Addicts confuse sex and love. They hold a core
belief that sex is equal to love. Therefore, they
believe that if their spouses love them, they will
always be willing to engage in sexuality.