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christian counseling today
VOL. 22 NO. 1
to bring to their relationship with each other.
We see these elements of post-traumatic growth
when couples grow together:
n
Both own their individual feelings,
thoughts, and behaviors.
n
Both will value and include each other in
information, plans, and decisions.
n
Both will know the addiction is not THE
problem, but a symptom of the underlying
emotional, spiritual, and relational issues.
n
Both will find resources and safe ways
to get needs met when their spouse is not
willing or is unable.
n
Both will desire to be “for” each other and
develop empathy for one another’s pain.
n
Both will become safe emotionally,
spiritually, sexually, and physically.
n
Both will surrender the idea of a perfect
spouse.
n
Both will learn how to develop a vision
for their relationship in a variety of areas in
their lives, including vocationally, financially,
family and significant social relationships,
and recreationally. We have lots to teach
couples about having fun together.
n
Both will seek to develop healthy sexuality
in their relationship—sexuality will become
the expression of emotional and spiritual
connection.
n
Both know the other spouse will only
sometimes be able to meet their needs, so
they will look to God as the ultimate source
for meeting their desires.
n
Both have established post-traumatic
growth will depend on God and His will for
their relationship.
n
Both will find others to serve out of their
own story, creating new passion for serving
God together.
While we would never be grateful for
pornography addiction itself and the despair it
brings, we do know that facing something this
shattering can lead to amazing changes—post-
traumatic growth. Pain has a way of getting our
attention. It can make us so uncomfortable that
we are willing to invest in something different.
If we find others who have walked through this
before us and can hold hope for us that there is
a better way, we can find purpose in our pain.
Our other choice is to live a bitter, lonely life
as a victim. Trauma and transformation are
available to us. We thank God for using all of our trials so we “… may
be mature… not lacking anything” (James 1:4). “Blessed is the one who
perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will
receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love
him” (James 1:12).
✠
MARK R. LAASER, M.DIV., PH.D.,
is the President and Founder
of Faithful & True and the host of the Men of Valor program, Faithful
& True’s online radio show. Dr. Laaser is nationally recognized as
the leading authority in the field of sexual addiction and healthy
sexuality with more than 29 years of recovery experience. He has
written 15 books on the subject of sexual addiction, including
Healing
the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Becoming a Man of Valor, Taking Every Thought
Captive, 7 Principles of Highly Accountable Men
, and his most recent,
The Fight of
Your Life
, with Dr. Tim Clinton.
DEBBIE LAASER, M.A., LMFT,
is the cofounder of Faithful &
True. She has been involved in recovery with her husband, Mark, for
more than 29 years and is committed to helping couples find healing
and transformation from the pain of sexual addiction and relational
betrayal. Debbie counsels women individually, leads therapy groups
for women, and counsels couples with Mark at Faithful & True’s
counseling center. She is the author of the highly-acclaimed book,
Shattered Vows
and,
together with Mark, authored
The Seven Desires of Every Heart.
Endnotes
1
Laaser, M. (2011).
Taking every thought captive
(Beacon Hill Press, Kansas
City, KS).
2
Tedeschi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (2004). “Conceptual foundations and empirical
experience,”
Psychological Inquiry
, pg. 1.
3
Amen, D. (2015).
Change your brain, change your life
(Harmony Books, New
York, NY).
Resources
Janoff-Bulman, R. (1992).
Shattered assumption: Towards a new psychology of trauma
(The Free Press/Macmillan, New York, NY).
Laaser, D. (2008).
Shattered vows
(Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI).
Laaser, M. (2004).
Healing the wounds of sexual addiction
(Zondervan, Grand Rapids,
MI).
Laaser, M. (2011).
Taking every thought captive
(Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, KS).
Laaser, M., & Clinton, T. (2015).
The fight of your life
(Destiny Image, Shippensburg, PA).
Stephen, J., & Linley, P.A. (2008).
Trauma, recovery, and growth
(John Wiley & Sons,
Hoboken, NJ).
Tedeschi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (1995).
Trauma & transformation: Growing in the
aftermath of suffering
(SAGE Publications, Thousand Oaks, CA).