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christian counseling today
VOL. 22 NO. 1
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There are additional distorted core beliefs that can
develop for any woman prior to her marital relationship. As
mentioned for the addict, childhood experiences of abuse or
neglect will certainly lead to beliefs that “I am not worthy,”
“I am not desirable,” “I need to take care of myself because
others are not safe,” etc. It is true that some of the wives who
come to us have been sexually abused as younger girls and
may have some level of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
that they bring into the marriage. Others have simply grown
up and experienced extremely protected, sexually naïve lives.
For these women, any sexual touch may create resistance,
even unconsciously. Because of this, some wives have a core
belief that sex is “dirty” or simply “bad.” One wife we worked
with told the story of her mother’s warning that, “Sex is bad,
save it for marriage.”
Many women married to men who are addicted to
pornography may have a core belief that, “My marital
relationship is my most important need.” This core belief
may lead her to believe that it is her duty to sexually submit
to her husband at all times to keep him pure and happy,
even if she does not feel emotionally or spiritually connected
with him. When she agrees to this commitment, and yet
experiences him to be distant or distracted sexually because
of his addiction, she usually feels objectified or used in the
relationship. This can lead her to feel rejected, sad or angry,
and she will eventually find her own ways to medicate or cope
with these emotions.
The truth is that addicts have developed addictive
neurochemical tolerance through their own masturbation
and pornography experiences, and no amount of sex would
be satisfying. Tolerance means the addict’s brain adapts to
the neurochemical sexual stimulation of organic molecules,
like adrenaline and dopamine (which are produced through
sexual arousal), and it will need more and more sexual arousal
to achieve the same effect.
Many wives also have self-image issues, believing “I am
not enough”—I’m not beautiful enough or sexually proficient
enough. These self-image issues may long precede the mar-
riage, but the husband’s activities confirm them in her mind.
Finding Purpose in the Pain
In this article, we want to look at how both husbands and
wives can grow and heal as individuals and couples. We know
that both spouses may suffer from PTSD—at the very least,
they both experience great pain and have been unable to be
truthful and talk about feelings, thoughts, and needs in their
relationship. Post-traumatic growth is a model of counseling
that we believe will help. Tedeschi and Calhoun, two
psychologists from the University of North Carolina, describe
post-traumatic growth as an increased appreciation of life,