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christian counseling today
VOL. 22 NO. 1
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p
see a fair amount of PTSD as well. Getting an accurate
diagnosis is vital. As Dr. Daniel Amen, a double board-
certified psychiatrist and founder of Amen Clinics,
has stated to us personally, “Your brain must be able to
cooperate with your recovery.”
3
n
Spiritual direction is very critical in achieving post-
traumatic growth. It can happen in a variety of ways and
is not just reserved for meeting with a pastor or trained
spiritual director. Christian counseling in one-on-one,
group, or intensive therapy can also provide a spiritual
component to the work being done.
Post-traumatic growth means the addict will:
n
Recognize how his addiction was the way he coped
with his pain. As he grows, he will find out how God can
use that pain to mold and shape his character. He will
find meaning in the journey.
n
Be internally motivated to be sexually pure and not
motivated by fear of external consequences.
n
Grow closer to God. He will learn how to “take every
thought captive and make all of his thoughts obedient to
Christ” (II Corinthians 10:5). He will learn how to get his
deepest desires met in his relationship with God.
n
Learn how to participate and grow in community
understanding that he must be around truth tellers to
remind him of spiritual truth.
n
Develop a vision for his life and understand God is the
source of that vision. Gradually, the mental pictures of his
vision will come to replace his fantasies.
n
Learn that he can be alone and okay as long as he has
a relationship with God and choose to be in relationship
not out of his anxieties of being all alone, but his capacity
to love. This will, of course, include his relationship with
his spouse.
Mark knows as a recovering addict himself that today he is
grateful for the spiritual opportunities the process of recovery
has given him. Being intervened on and going to treatment in
1987 was the beginning of growing closer to God and being
able to have the spiritual and emotional intimacy with Debbie
that he has always wanted.
Her Growth from Betrayal
We often hear that betrayed women may have never entered
counseling or community had it not been for the pain they
were suffering. The beautiful result is it not only brought
understanding and healing from pornography addiction,
but also many other life skills and spiritual experiences with
which they may have never been exposed. The following may
be elements of her growth:
n
A wife can work to reframe her shattered core beliefs—
beliefs that lead to great pain. She can learn how to
explore her old core beliefs about herself and others and
gradually acknowledge new ones that are based on fresh
experiences and truth.
n
A wife can participate in her own community of other
wives who have also experienced the trauma of betrayal.
She will have others hear her pain and know that she is
not alone. Deep relationships can develop in these shared
experiences.
n
Through counseling and community, she can “find
her voice” for things that matter to her. Historical coping
often included avoiding conflict or giving up when she
did not feel important enough to share feelings, thoughts
or needs.
n
A wife can eventually depersonalize her husband’s
pornography use by getting educated about addiction.
She will know that the betrayal is about her husband’s
attempts to find solutions for his pain and not about
her (which does not excuse it, by the way, or infer that it
should continue).
n
A process of counseling can help a wife become more
authentic and congruent—in all her relationships.
n
A wife can learn how to safely talk about her emotions
and needs and be a woman of integrity even when she is
hurting.
n
Rather than trusting her husband implicitly, as she may
have done initially, a wife can learn to trust her spouse
by needing him to work on
being
a trustworthy person,
by learning to trust herself and her intuitions (which she
probably ignored historically), and by trusting God with
her life and marriage.
n
A wife can learn how to live for today, letting go of her
need to control others and plan for all possible outcomes.
Surrendering to God’s timing and trusting His process is
a new way for her to live.
n
A wife can develop a closer relationship with God
and depend on Him to provide for all her needs. While
she has studied God’s Word and knows life with Him is
richer, now she can experience it personally and finally
know she can be alone with Him and be okay.
Debbie experienced a complete change in the person she
was through the process of healing from Mark’s addiction.
She says today that she is a better spouse, mother, friend,
daughter, employer, counselor, and beloved child of God
because of her personal path. Also, she agrees that if it had
not been so traumatic, she would have never chosen to spend
the time or money on such a journey—life was good enough,
she thought!
The Couple’s Growth
When two hurting spouses enter a healing journey and
mature emotionally and spiritually, they have much more