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christian counseling today
VOL. 22 NO. 1
R
ecently, my wife and I became empty nesters.
With one son in college and another studying
internationally, we find comfort in our ability to
connect with our children through technology.
Because of text, e-mail, and Webcams, we have
the resources to stay in contact with each of our sons. These
tools help nurture our relationship and create a certain sense
of comfort knowing that a quick connection through a text or
a conversation where we are able to see their faces is possible.
What is also true is that in the field of sexual addiction,
these same technologies have significantly increased the
opportunity to engage in the creation of self-pornography.
What can begin as simple texts may become more sexual and
graphic. This may include nude selfies that can eventually
create the boldness to get behind a Webcam for greater
exposure.
How does this evolve? How does a person move from
texting to sexting to photos to Webcams?
Contributing Factors
One of the factors that contributes to the choices an addict
makes is risk. Even when we were young, we experienced
the excitement of crossing boundaries and exploring new
territories. This concept of risk plays directly into the
progressive nature of sexual acting out. Using any text app to
connect to another person creates a false sense of relationship,
and the more vulnerable and direct one is in the text, the
more excitement over the possibilities.
If one uses sexuality in an addictive way, it is an easy
path to begin using texting as a method to express sexual
desires and curiosities. This may lead to sexting, which can
be described as creating erotica and sexual invitations using
a texting app. Eventually, this can open the door to sending
sexually suggestive photos with partial nudity, which can
then lead to sexually explicit photos, and finally exposing
one’s self to using a Webcam. With each step, there is new
opportunity, excitement, adrenaline, and risk. For the addict,
the progression is natural because the pursuit of adrenaline
and risk is primary. Risk produces adrenaline, one of the
neurochemical components of addiction.
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The second factor is safety. Safety is the space where we
are free from injury and harm. I have heard safety described
as the absence of anxiety and fear. Some sense of safety is
essential for most people to be willing to take a risk. It is why
we jump off a bridge with a bungee cord; we want a safe risk.
The problem arises when our distorted thinking causes us to
believe something will keep us safe when it cannot.
We live in a culture where we can hide behind technology
and pretend we are safe. Electronics create a false sense
of safety by temporarily distancing us from reality and
consequences. One of the lies of addiction is, “No one will
ever know.” A person’s words on a cell phone screen can
seem disconnected from reality in such a way that it is easy
to push “send” even though he/she knows there could be
consequences if caught.
People can also create the illusion of safety by distancing
themselves from the receiver. Since readers of the text are not
physically present and senders do not have to immediately
experience their response, they may have a greater sense of
boldness. Most of us, when vulnerable, desire to know the
other person’s response and fear the reaction. The distance
of technology creates a buffer from the receiver’s response.
Sexting gives the opportunity to express desires and perceive
one is safe in doing so.
When people send risqué photos, oftentimes they do
not include their faces in images with their bodies so their